Archive for the 'Life' Category

02
Mar
09

Asciigod update B0.09

Not a lot going on these days in the realm of “writing”, “constructive thoughts”, “healing the world” or “making babies”. Scratch that last one holmes, I’m makin’ more babies than Raelians. Blowin’ powder dust like Mugwumps out the Urethra (Justin Warfield style).

Shit’s just been super busy, but I felt the need to bless the mic with some K.N.O.W.L.E.D.G.E.

Work, school, baby mama, health. It’s the cycle, but it’s OK. My awesome financial strategies have turned out to be failures. But hey, there’s still 40 odd years, am I right?

Just got done with some homework for an Investment class at school. Since content’s not exactly quantity nor quality here, I figured I’d cut and paste my “mini-essay” in here, get my word count for the year above 300, and call it a night. I gotta head to work, so see ya’ll on the dark side!

“ESSAY” (LOLRIGHT ASCIIGOD 2009) RE: Aggressive Investing?

“Due to my relative youth, and long time horizon for retirement I feel I can currently invest aggressively to meet my retirement needs. I am in a situation with more than 30 years to save for retirement. This puts me in a position that, historically, indicates the “numbers” of the markets are in my favor for long-term growth. Despite any 5, 10 or even 15 year periods of negative performance, it behooves me to invest aggressively now. Of course this aggressive position needs to be tailored as the years pass, with investments moved from aggressive to more stable and income producing positions.
For instance, assume I would like to retire with $2,000,000 in stable and/or income producing securities in 30 years time. Assuming I start with a relatively modest $20,000 base, and contribute only $5,000 a year, given a relatively conservative assumed return of 10% on these investments, the total saved for retirement would be $1,434,648.60.
But that isn’t quite enough!
Actually, to equal that sum in “today’s dollars”, adjusting for a 3% inflation, I’d need to raise $3,482,267. To meet my $2,000,000 goal in “today’s dollars”, I’d need even more: the princely end balance of $4,854,525. A daunting task! In fact this exercise has made me realize just how much more “aggressive” I need to be.
And that isn’t just aggressive in terms of investing. The 10% expected return is solid, and is as much as I can legitimately use to “crunch” these numbers. So the difference will definitely have to be made up of with more aggressive saving. That’s right! Additional funds are needed. Let’s recalculate assuming my wife’s income contribution matches my own $5,000 yearly deposits, and that we both up the ante an additional $2,000 for a total of $14,000 per year addition to our nest egg.
This results in a balance of $2,882,195.99 at the end of 30 years. Not quite good enough, but honestly, at some point this exercise has to become an issue of quality of life and financial management. Not considering other sources of income, dividends, and property I feel safe to say this sum would certainly get us by “OK”. And if not, we could always trade in our hover car for a less expensive model.”

DON’T DO DRUGS KIDS.

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19
Jan
09

Blogging, New Years Resolutions, and Productivity

blog

To all the haters, hahahahaha. Nicely done.

I’m not the type to make a lot of New Year’s Resolutions ™. Even though I really should quit smoking, lose 15 pounds, and stop giving money to hobos, I’ve never put those things on a list and created firm deadlines. Commitment can be scary, and I don’t like to tie myself to one blood type, much less three nebulous goals. And as much as I’d like to contribute to Shapes’ fitness’s earning reports, I’m not ready to do that. Camel needs my money to pay all those artists who design their excellent “Designers Series” cigarette packages. I’m nothing if not a supporter of the The Arts. Lastly, I’m lying, I don’t give hobos money anymore. In fact, I’m pretty aggressive about this. I’ve even developed a whole deaf-mute routine where I pantomime and yell “No hablo Deutschlis!” to get out of parting with my sort-of-hard-earned-money.

I settled on a more vague plan this year. In reality, it only coincided with the New Year through coincidence, but I figured I might as well run with that and pretend it was all part of a grand Divine Scheme.

This year, I’d make the commitment to doing one hour a day of stuff that was directly related to “self-improvement”. As it happened, this started out with reading a chapter or two of an interesting book. I even have a huge stack of books selected for this purpose, and they’re all neatly lined up on my desk at work, where they are now mocking me.

Fun list of books:

 “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki (which someone got me as a very thoughtful Christmas gift, even though I assume it’s rather elementary material).

 “Home Buying for Dummies” by Eric Tyson (because sooner or later, I’m going to need to do this).

 “Men’s Health: Better Body Blueprint” by Michael Mejia (as it was already at my desk, and I’d forgotten I had it for at least a year).

 NOLO’s “Patent It Yourself” by David Pressman (no specific reason, but I found it at a thrift store, and in my experience, NOLO books are awesome).

 J.K. Lasser’s “Small Business Taxes 2007” by Barbara Weltman (see above. Even though its out of date, it was cheap, and small business taxes fascinate me).

 Sams “Teach Yourself Adobe Dreamweaver CS3 in 24 hours” by Betsy Bruce (I just realized this was written by a woman! I might have to throw it away, I don’t want to design websites about Cats or Gothic Erotica).

 The Motley Fool “You Have More than You Think” by David + Tom Gardner (Another wildly out of date edition. I think this one focuses on the late 90’s dot com boom! Nevertheless, a great book).

 “Quickbooks 2008 for Dummies” by Stephen L. Nelson (which I’ve had since QB2008 was released, meaning it’s out of date as well. And from what I’ve already read of it, it’s not very good).

 And lastly, my “Principals of Managerial Finance” book that I was *supposed* to read last semester for my introductory Corporate Finance class. However, that class was jam-stuffed with hours of lectures every week, and the book was barely opened.

All of this went well for exactly one day, and I have the post-it note bookmark in the Men’s Health guide to prove it. Then, right as school started, my company dropped an unannounced client on me with exactly ZERO forewarning. This client turned out to be at least as large as all our other clients combined. Needless to say, I haven’t had much time to focus on “me time”. Quiet baths, relaxing walks, obsessive-compulsive collecting behavior. It’s been rough.

We’ve finally gotten most of the preliminary work done, so things have slowed down a bit. Now it’s time to start focusing on this stuff again, and I’m looking forward to it. Although I guess I really should focus on what’s important for school right now: publishing more blogs about my blogging productivity!

And that’s a wrap!

08
Dec
08

Final exams and vacation pre-planning.

I’m not even supposed to be in the office today. But this isn’t one of those Dante from Clerks moments. No, I’m just here to get some peace and quiet while studying.

My wife and I babysat my niece all… day… long. This is grueling for a childless, working professional couple one of whom (raising hand) happens to also be a student and run his own business. So what if it’s online retailing, it brings in mad cake and takes work therefore, it’s real! Unless you work for the IRS. Then this conversation never occurred. Pleading the 5th.

And tomorrow is my Managerial Finance final exam. So I’m at work late, midnight, and it’s my vacation. I took 4 days off of work to ostensibly focus on studying, relaxing, and laying around. Turns out I’m here, secretly covering production issues for my coworkers, studying, stealing cheesecake, wishing I had more coffee, and blogging. (Edit: I’ve also scratched my nuts during the composition of this post).

I had a grand to-do list of things I wanted to accomplish on my vacation. This grand list has been lost in the “Wind of Change” The Scorpions sang so about so poignantly. Grandiose.

On a bright note, this class’ exams typically cover something like 8 chapters at a time. At least it seems that way. The final comprises four chapters! And one of them is about dividends, and one is about taxes. Both of these subjects are a breeze. However, I’m going to have to bone up (huh huh, fire) on the capital structure and cost of capital areas. Maybe after this PCP laced blunt.

how_to_roll_a_blunt_cigar

An all natural study aid… with PCP!

For the record, here’s what I want and/or have to do this vacation. We’ll (maybe) check back in a week or so, and laugh at how much didn’t get accomplished. In no particular order, except the order they are randomly scrawled on a notepad document on my home PC:

oo1. Transfer my blood sugar readings from my glucose meter to a journal. I’m on a new insulin regiment, and was supposed to be keeping track for my doctor. By pre-dating a journal, and essentially counterfeiting the process, I hope to impress the doc with my basketball skills.

oo2. Research stocks to buy when I get paid Friday. I’m thinking CitiGroup (C) and Amazon (AMZN). It’s not a (C)oincidence that (C)a$h starts with (C) and AMZN is ALMOST the exact same as AMAZING. I picked em. You bank em!

oo3. Buy one of those adaptors that splits a single 5/8″ (or whatever size it is) microphone jack into two. Buy a cheap(er) microphone than the one I already have (which isn’t that bad a mic really. One love.) This is for when my partner in rhyme comes down to visit for Christmas. Freestyle session to ensue. Crappy microphone is his. Home field advantage.

oo4. Organize my inventory. I’m sitting on boxes upon boxes of product dogg. This shit don’t move itself. It’s Christmas. I’ve got a few thousand dollars of crap sitting around to sell. Time to flood the streets like an episode of The Wire. No homo.

oo5. That’s it? Really there’s like a dozen more things on that list, but this was already boring me at oo1. 😦

P.S. WordPress’s new dashboard is off the hook!

P.P.S. I’m totally cranked out of my fucking head on ritalin. Time to study!

05
Nov
08

How to quit smoking: GUARANTEED!

Title spam, FTW.

It’s time to quit smoking. Again. Audio 5000 like housin’, low commission in this position. Poles, hold roll call at Auschwitz when I bounce with wet cigarettes. The sherminator aka terminator 4 when I’m in perfect form. Ford Prefect, predict that nobody reads this. My audience is heathens, but obviously I need them. Let’s pretend my page hits are higher than Rastafarians.

I don’t know what the above was. Well I do. I was listening to some freestyle rhymes I recorded a long time ago. Maybe they’ll surface on the interweb sometime. Probably not. Circle of influence = noted.

In an effort to  become healthier, I’ve been working out. Dieting. Changing my insulin routine. It’s a lot of work. The biggest thing I need to change though is my smoking. So to curtail this game and be framed like dovetails, I’m packaging my smokes up Bolivian style. 20 for now. Then fewer and fewer as interbreeding forces their population to dwindle due to sickness and disease. And because pictures make blogging fun, I present the evidence below.

smoke A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS. IN THIS CASE, THEY ARE ALL SYNONYMS FOR “SADDENING”

Wish me luck. And a million more wishes.

GAPEMAN OUT

04
Nov
08

Managing my RSS feeds: the Bloglines bloat

It seems like it’s been months, years even, of agonizing toil and self-flagellation (school) since I last checked my RSS reader, Bloglines. In reality, it had only been about a month, yet this tentacled beast that captures my RSS feeds had begun to resemble an oldschool political cartoon. You know the kind. Black and white, detailed, giant octopus wrapping its many squirming arms around Abe Lincoln, a bear that represents the Soviet Union, a mass of railroad tracks, and freed, voting slaves – all while gnashing its cute little beak around the ghost of Benjamin Franklin. Shit’s bananas, out of control, cream pie (ew?).

I’m a procrastinator at heart, and there’s a point of imagined critical mass when I view something like this as a nightmare. The very idea of opening the bloglines website just to look at all those feeds, crawling like worms, upset my stomach.

But I faced my fears today, and cleaned up that shit. Does that make me a hero? Probably. Am I asking for a reward? Only financial.

So I hope to be back to checking people’s blogs, and trying to find more “personal” type blogs; I axed a few of the bigger ones. Sorry if you missed my awesome input. Every superhero needs some quiet time in his Fortress of Solitude.

L O L </ridiculousness>

Also, I kicked the living crap out of four tests this week. Take that scantron!

P.S. Ghostroach spotted at an Atlantic City casino.

28
Oct
08

Absolute dank artichoke heart salad. Bonjoir, senior ++

Props to my wife. She made me this awesome, healthy and greazzzy artichoke heart salad for lunch today.

I’m no expert chef, but I believe the ingredients were artichoke hearts, diced tomatos, feta cheese, vinegar (?!), fresh basil from her porch-garden and love. Her private stash also had olives, as that is how she rolls. I’m not too fond of them, so she kindly left them off. Tight!

This is just one of the many, diabetic friendly recipes she’s been making for me. Low carbs, low fat, well.. low “bad” fat, and great. More info soon on her killer diabetic friendly yogurt pie dessert thing. Wowsa. I will keep it secret though, maybe Yoplait will have a contest or something soon…

More stuff coming soon, but until then, FEAST UR EYES ON THIS!!!

24
Oct
08

Happy Birthday Wendy!

I love you very much. Our relationship, along with my innumerable escapes from death, proves I’m the luckiest man in the world.

Here’s to 100 more years together, my little bucket of chowder.

Beautiful, and wild! Que bella. Dos Mios los pelligrino guapos alligatoros!