23
May
08

Sue my landlord

I moved exactly 32 days ago. In most situations, saying “About a month” would suffice. But in this case, it’s extremely important that it was exactly 32 days. For you Math Majors, that’s 30 days plus 2 days. The reason I know this is because I’ve been paying close attention as the days roll by, waiting for that 30th day to come. On the 31st day, I’d been planning on suing my landlord.

You see, my former landlords were about the biggest assholes from whom I’d ever leased. And these assholes had exactly 14 days from when I vacated the premises to return my security deposits in full. Failing that, they had 30 days to send a certified letter stating they wanted to use portions of my security deposit to cover damages. This is all standard procedure, and normally I’d have other things to occupy my time than worrying about this. But nope. These assholes once charged us a late fee because their office was closed when rent was due.  They constantly sent threatening letters demanding extra deposits, vehicle registration, pet photos, etc all with extra language demanding these requests be met within TWO BUSINESS days or a fifty dollar charge would be assessed per day. LOL. Dicks.

I never had a problem meeting these demands, getting my papers in, paying deposits, registering vehicles. But I’m sure a lot of people they harassed did. And knowing the neighborhood (not exactly high rent, well to do people) I’m sure they took a lot of advantage of a lot of scared, poor and ignorant people. The corporate culture at this place is unbelievable, and it needs a bitch slap.

Honestly, I wanted to write this yesterday. Which would have only been 31 days after I moved out. Yesterday I received a notice that I’d received a certified letter from them. I’m really looking forward to going to the post office tomorrow, picking it up, and laughing like a hyena if they missed the deadline by one day. And if they didn’t miss the deadline, I’m going to have a whole lot of fun fighting them tooth and nail over any damages they claim. It’s totally not about the money anymore. It’s about the sport of it.

I will have their heads hanging on plaques in my den.

ACCOMPANYING MUSIC BY THE COUP

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